so today is the longest day of the year? alright

i need to stop playing with people's emotions because it's just going to get even more tangled up. 
i told him i wanted him to stop calling me because i need to move on and get over him and he's like...okay. BUT the next day he calls me but i don't pick up....
so last night I TEXT HIM...shitmotherfuckerdhfskjdf., i ask him how his internship is going and hes like good and he calls me. we talk for a bit and then he says i should call him tomorrow (today). then he says "bye honey"
so we start texting a little bit today and it's like a flirty text on my end. i keep saying "maybe" to how i feel and shit and hes like "this maybe stuff is confusing babe" .
i want to be with him but ihe's too far. i clearly am playing games w/ him. i think i enjoy the attention and "playing" but i know it's a bad habit that needs to end. so it's like do i tell him i want to be w/ him and see how it goes or just try and end it. i already tried it and fuck, i'm weak.

 so bummed.
 i've had of a few people that i really look up to and love to be around but my affection for them is shattering. i can't help but feel bad about it. I have, all of sudden, recognized (what i beleieve are) flaws and i don't know how to deal with it. i know it's a part of me growing up and becoming aware that no one's perfect but i've been drastically pushing these people away from me. I don't know how to treat them now and unfortunately, they are probably cofused and probably thinking like wtf is this girl's problem?! It's not right but I need distance in order to try and figure this out. I still obviously care for these people but my idea of them has definitely shifted backwards. 

I don't want to start over with them but I don't want to get any closer with them. i'm confused.  & i don't want to be like "hey! i don't know how to talk with you because i've suddenly noticed all these flaws" like wtf. 
i don't want to part ways on bad terms as well but i want to try and figure this out before we part ways, 
or i will just let things happen naturally.

distance is the best answer?

I hung out with my uncle tom, aunt letty and cousin zach all weeekend and it rocked. I see them every 3-5 years and luckily, they had time to visit Maine this year! RIGHT NOWOWOWOW! They're staying for the week and we're going to see eachother all this week basically. Me and Zach are really clicking which is awesome cuz I haven't seen him since I was 13. We went to L.L. Bean last night and today we went to Two Lights. Chyeaaa, good bonding time.
But 7 days left o' classes...PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH
oh MUN was coo'  met a real cutie in my council! haha
aaand 

Safe Passage's "RECYCLED LIFE" is showing 
@ DHS Auditorium
7-9pm WEDNESDAY (May 21st!)
This is a really mindblowing documentary, so if you plan on going, just keep that in mind.
Hopefully, I will see you there!

gay prom was last night. it was pretty fun. ABout 8-9 of us went together and that was funnn. But today is Prom which is going to be amazing. Well at least I hope it will be. Prom planning has been anything but chill, but the day has finally come! Ahh

finally wrote and emailed my resolution for MUN like 10 minutes ago. I'm done with testing Ms. Platt's patience, even though it was entertaining.
Uhh, so prom will be fun and probably very eventful..i can't wait to have some people see me in my dress. I am really excited to go with Dan, he's been a good friend of mine since 8th grade it he will be so much fun.
anyways, i'm done with school. Not mentally into this shizzle anymore, the only reason i did the MUn paper was cuz it will get me out of school. 
i really like the band the gorillaz, they have amazin beats
gay prom the night before senior prom, I CANT WAIT. 3rd year in a row and i might wear the same dress i wore last year most likely.
it's haaat.
cant wait for hookah this weekend...apparently if you do hookah for 45 minutes..its equivalent to 100 cigz...dont know if it's true, but it makes sense.
yay for orange zest cakes.

so my ego has been severely damaged.

got back from Guatemala last night. The trip was extremely life changing and a lot of us are planning on going back this summer for a couple weeks. Not too sure if it will work but I am hoping. So many amazing memories were made. I feel homesick for Antigua and Guatemala City. All 13 of us got tight and it feels weird to not have them around me. 

http://blogs.portlandschools.org/dhsspanishclub/el-12-de-abril/
there are some pictures and blogs we put up throughout our trip. 
lovelovelove

Oh Mr. pit
Oh Mr. pit
Mr. pitiful
Who let you down?
Who let you down?
Who let you down?

You still don’t believe
You don’t believe
You don’t believe
That greed’s for a show
Your soap box unfolds

But, please come down from that cloud
You see at all I don’t expect you to admit that you were wrong
Just wanna know how you’ve been
Don’t make me feel bad that we’re still friends
Started it all over in my bed

I hope that you see through your picket
I hope that you see through your big yard and white picket fence
To make amends, to still be friends, to still be my friend

So where did you go?
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
While I was out
While I was out
While I was out

Well I don’t believe
I don’t believe
I don’t believe
Everything was seen
And if you don’t like the movie then quit at me

But, please come down from that cloud
You see at all I don’t expect you to admit that you were wrong
Just wanna know how you’ve been
Don?t make me feel bad that we’re still friends
Started it all over in my bed

I hope that you see through your picket
I hope that you see through your big yard and white picket fence
To make amends, still be friends, still be friends, to still be my friend, still be my friend, still be my friend.

Guatemala is in 54 days!! It's gonna be the shizzle. 
And this vacation has been spledid for the most part.  Been getting drunk, playing LIFE, sleeping, laughing hysterically and having no real responsibilities. OHH haha i got a new job..
oh & jill is my bestfriend. 
AWWW i went to the vet with her today and the doctah thought wez were lesbians.  We also enjoyed watching the infamous Olsen twin movie "It Takes Two"---the sloppy joes look really scrumptious!
Vantage Point looks sososo good. 
& i need to learn Spanish

     So I ended it with him 2 weeks ago. But, unfortunately, he is still incredibly bitter. We were never actually "together" but neverthless it felt like a breakup. He treats it as if it was too. We do a good job ingoring eachother but it's hard. I miss our little friendship and our tacky little insiders but it's understandable that wouldn't last especially after this.  
     It's better that we aren't talking but it makes it awkward everytime we have to see each other. He claims he is hurt because I "played" him. Hmm, no. Yeah, it definitely escalated a bit more than it had, when we were "seeing eachother"  and I feel bad that i hurt him that much....but maybe he should've treated me better. 
I want to try and  JUST be friends but that won't be happening for a while...s'okay though. Like I said, not communicating is probably the best option right now because if it were any other way, that would be emotionally destructive for us. Anyways, I tried saying goodbye to him today and all I received was a nasty glare. swwweeeet. 

I  know a few people who are going to UMO. Yeah, everyone says how they don't want to go there because everyone from Deering will be there but whatever. Some very amazing people I know are going and I can't wait to see them in college.

i registered for my passport today! EEEK
The man said I should get it by February 27th.
I'm leaving for Guatemala April 12th. :) :) :) :)

as for this semester, peace.

on new year's eve i babysat for Mr. & Mrs. Morales. I basically just sat there for 4 hours and watched Edward Scissorhands and SouthPark with their cat. My dad came by and gave me McDonalds which saved me cuz I felt drained and it was only 9:30. I think my favorite actress is Winona Ryder. Everything I have seen her in, I adore. I've seen her in Edward Scissorhands (duh), Beetle Juice, Mermaids, The Heathers, Girl Interrupted, Mr. Deeds, Great Balls of Fire and The Crucible (haha yes that counts!). She's fucking great.
I really wanted to go to Jill's after but the Moraleses didn't get home till 1 so that would've been pointless. Whatever, I think I got a few more New Years to experience so i'm not too bummed. But I really wanted to hang with Jill and Loren and those peeps, whateva. I'll see em sooner or later. 
I've seen Sweeney Todd 3 times. Yep, borderline ridiculous. Don't care, I can't get enough of Depp's singing. I have the soundtrack, but it don't matta. 
so emotionally drained but hopefully there will be no school tomorrow, so i can just sleep in for a while. helllz yeaaaaaaa 

so my dad tells me i got a letter from Maine Med and im like wtf. So i look and actually its from UMO! As I open it I mentally freak out.  It turns out I got accepted! :-) It feels good to get early accepted. But, yo, i'm so retarded, I looked on the envelope and right on it, it says "Congratulations, Maine Black Bear!"...dude my family and I can't read. 
But, I am really happy because I love UMO and getting this acceptance is just in time for Christmas. Yeah, they definitely did that on purpose. 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :-D

why the fuck is everyone hearing from their colleges except for me?!
UGH, whatever, hookering was my second option anyways.

things are surreal right now. i'm happy but worried. but it seems as if i'm always worried about something and maybe i should learn to relaxxxx. what are some good ways?

Sooo I have cut out red meat, soda and chips from my...life? It's not anything permanent, I just want to try it out for a while and see how I do. There is NO WAY I am eliminating candy/sweets from my life. 
Anywho, life is good, there's not much too be bitter about except for colleges. But we all know about that.
I've been CONSTANTLY singing "Apologize" by Timbaland. It's just one of those catchy songs.
AAAND, I can't wait to go christmas shopping at L.L. Bean. isn't it precious?!!